What I fear.
What am I afraid of? Well there’s a few surface level things that I fear such as public speaking or spiders or heights. I could tell you about the numerous times that I have jumped when seeing an especially large spider, the nightmare that was communications 121 or the time when I stood on a glass balcony and physically wasn’t able to move. Some argue that even the smallest experiences such as these are valuable, maybe even endearing and that a person should treasure every precious moment in this life. I on the other hand would fundamentally disagree with all of that nonsense, stories like these are not worth remembering but these stories aren’t interesting, and that’s all they are: stories. There isn’t any substance, no moral, no lesson learned, no point, worth pennies. If you want an reading experience with some real meat truly interesting and honest stuff you have to go much deeper, I need to examine what it is deep down I truly fear.
This is not a short list, I could cover a solid page just listing things that keep me up at night, but since space is limited I’ll narrow down to just one: fear of disappointment. This may seem somewhat universal but I can say with confidence that I feel it more than most. This wasn’t really a big deal for me as a kid, when I screwed up and got the age old “I’m not angry, just disappointed” talk from good ole’ mom and dad I honestly didn’t really care, my parents punishment or in other words their disappointment didn’t really manifest in a way that impacted me so as a result I was indifferent to it. I bring this up because I believe that it is important to note that this is not fear I have had since childhood, it’s a very much more of a recent feeling. A more real parallel for a lot of people would be fear of inadequacy, it’s to the point where I’m constantly underselling my capabilities because I don’t want someone to end up disappointed by the result. I have been doing this so long that it has become second nature to me. An example of this is in my ability to play guitar. Sone context here is that I have been studying classical guitar for ten plus years, but if someone asks me if I can play an instrument or specifically the guitar I will always one hundred percent of the time respond with “I’m ok.” I can nearly guarantee that if they saw me play they would be impressed but I still constantly undersell. This fear of disappointment impacts my life in more ways than one. For example college personal essays were so incredibly difficult to write, the whole point is to prop yourself up and brag as if you’re someone that the admissions officer is going to want to let into the school but I am simply incapable of doing that. Even more recently I was updating my resume for internship applications over the summer and my father’s reaction after proofreading my resume was pure confusion. My hours of time and experience in the machining shops here at chico had been boiled down to “trained on lathe” and the like. Just constantly underselling myself out of fear of disappointment. Even on this essay which is supposed to be about us and what we love or whatever the heck we want to write about I somehow ended up writing two pages on what I’m afraid of and my own personal dirty laundry, putting the worst parts of myself out on display. Nobody asked for this, I don’t even know why I’m writing on this topic but it’s far too late now. Now that I’m really thinking about it, fear of disappointment impacts my life in a much wider variety than I originally thought. We’ll go ahead and do a couple rapid fire: This year I’m taking intro to volleyball. It’s awful everyones bad at volleyball but for whatever reason I didn’t see that coming and thought “this is where I belong.” When it comes to dating it is extremely difficult because nobody wants to date someone that’s either mediocre or subpar at literally every activity in existence. I obviously know this that’s how I depict myself because I don’t want to mislead someone to think I’m something that I’m not which is bitterly ironic because by underselling myself in this way I am already misleading them. The absolute worst part about this essay is that now that I’ve gotten to the end I hate it and myself because it feels like I just talked about how I’m better than anyone gives me credit for.
The essay is over. It ended on the last page the assignment and therefore grade are complete, this is more of an author’s note so by all means feel free to move on and not read this if you don’t feel like it or are simply short on time. I felt I should address comments I received on my essay ending on a sadder note and validate myself in the process. To be fair generally stories and narratives do end with a lesson learned as a result of the experience gained, this is a common tactic for a few reasons, mainly, it makes the reader feel good inside and also it’s easy. Do you know how many times I’ve heard the phrase “happily ever after” in my lifetime? Regardless, there was no lesson learned in the case of my experience. There was no reason to spin my insecurities into some phony moral. I could have said, “but now after some serious introspection I’ve learned to love and accept myself for who I am and get over a lot of these self-loathing issues that stemmed not getting enough praise as a child,” but I’m not going to say something like this because it is complete BS and flagrantly untrue and I’d rather keep my integrity then pander to what the reader expects or even wants to hear. This isn’t to diss or dig at other students who ended their story on a happy note, that’s great for them it’s just not what I chose to do. The best thing that I got out of this healthy dose of “introspection” was a mental breakdown and that I should look into therapy. So if you made it this far congratulations your reward is wasted time, have a good one.
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